Am I the only one in America who is wondering how The Oxford English Dictionary, Inc. hasn’t sued The Real Housewives franchise? Real? Ha! The nerve of them, using that term so loosely!
Don’t get me wrong, the Miami edition of Housewives had me hooked. Speaking of the O.E.D, the “real” blonde’s butchering of the English language (not to mention her surgeon’s butchering of her boob job) had me in stitches, pardon the pun. For example, to boast how well connected she was, she said that she had relations all over town. The funniest? Not one person in South Florida caught the Freudian slip. Now that’s entertainment.
Gaudy attire and shit-for-brains aside, the fakest part of Real is its casting. With 1 in 100 families regularly being told they have been blessed with autism, I want to know where THOSE housewives are hiding. P.S. If you work for casting and are reading this, I am hiding at Target.
I am serious! Bravo execs have clearly overlooked a niche market of viewers who would be absolutely glued to…wait. Just what part of an autism mom’s life would be considered worthy of one’s boob tube? Hmmm. Well there are all the galas we moms are required to attend, and the catfights over which one of us is hotter or how much money we’re rolling in, but that drama just seems a bit overplayed. I propose a fresh approach. How about instead of focusing an entire episode on one housewife’s forgetting to pick up her (typical, to boot) child at his unnecessary pricey private school, let’s try this:
Roll camera…
Fabulous Real Housewife Kristi is dropping off her atypical son J.R. at his necessary private school. The boy sits quietly in his seat until Kristi decides she can’t leave well enough alone. A conversation ensues…
Kristi: J.R., I know you aren’t that geeked about having to go to school today, but I have a big surprise for you!
J.R.: A surprise? What surprise?
Kristi: We’re going to grandma and grandpa’s house tonight!
Suddenly, J.R. wigs out. Cue kicking, screaming, crying, the pulling off of neatly tucked in clothing, and the dreaded clicking sound of a child unstrapping his car seat while the vehicle is still in motion.
Kristi: What is wrong????? You love going to grandma and grandpa’s! Now strap yourself back in before your teachers threaten to call Child Protective Services on me (again)!
J.R.: Not tonight. Not Tonight. NOT TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!
Kristi: Um, okay J.R. Not tonight . Got it.
J.R.: Today. I want to see grandpa TODAY! ToDAYYYYYYYYYY!
Kristi: Okay bud. We will go today. I promise.
Kristi lets J.R. out and pulls away from the car loop in tears. For all the progress her son has made, he still can’t understand that “tonight” happens today.
……………..
Not impressed? But wait I’ve got a ton more material! Want to hear the one about J.R. screaming “YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR SEAT, MISTER!” (in his teacher’s Afrikaans accent) as I introduced him to another mom who wasn’t aware of his autism? Good times, really. Oh wait I know, how about the emergency midnight surgery my husband and I performed on our son last week? Now that’s a story. Upon entering his room to check on him (oh who am I kidding, he was in our bed) we could smell that he was dreaming about going to the potty, sans potty. With a flashlight and box of baby wipes we successfully removed the culprit without J.R. as much rolling over.
In a last ditch effort to coax you in to a full on email campaign nominating Kristi Vannatta for the next Real Housewives I give you …. “Mrs. Monster”. Roll em!:
J.R. and younger sibling Jackson are playing “hide from the monster” under their favorite toy, Kristi’s college bed comforter. Enter Kristi:
Jackson: J.R., get the monster’s attention.
J.R.: Oh monster, oh monster, where are you monster?
Kristi: Here I am boys, and you’re both gonna GET IT!
(Wild screams)
J.R.: Oh Mr. Monster, please don’t eat us!
Kristi: Mr. Monster? Do I look like a Mister to you, misters? I’m MRS. MONSTER, and don’t your forget it! EVER! Now you’re both really going to get it……..arrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!
(Wilder screams)
J.R.: Jack, let’s get out of here! Mrs. Monster is ANGRY!
(Hysterical giggles)
……………..
Fast forward. J.R. has not stopped calling me Mrs. Monster since that day. To the tune of Yes, Mommy Dearest, he picks the most inconvenient times to share my moniker with perfect strangers. Classic!
Well that’s about all the material I have to submit. Then again, there is a new week approaching.
Speaking of dailies, I have to admit that what I find most appealing about reality television in general is the editing process. Just who decides what goes in to each show? I realize that tons of stuff is staged, shit how else did the Miami series end up focusing on in-home cooking parties? With all the fun South Florida has to offer (from what I hear) … those girls couldn’t find anything else better to do? I digress.
My point is that (and I hope my agent is listening closely) I would want Real ‘s token autism mom to be portrayed wholly. Okay if you are reading this blog out loud to a friend please tell her I didn’t write H-O-L-Y. I wouldn’t want lightning to strike me down. I mean I want the FULL picture. The tears and the frustration that come along with raising a child with autism? Too obvious. That would be like prefacing the existing show with the disclaimer- all these women are living way above their means and think none of us can see that. If it were me (am I being too obvious that I just want my payday?) I would want to be portrayed in 3D. Sidebar: I SWEAR I am not making this up- my ipad just respelled portrayed as betrayed. Funny!
More specific you say? I have a very full life and I hope other moms in my shoes feel the same. I have beautiful kids, a rare, stay put husband, and the most amazing friends in the world. And it’s those short moments when J.R. is really with me that make my entire month. So sure that I will be cast and end up being editing down to a bawling mess, I just wanted to set the record straight.
And this isn’t all about me, (or is it?) I promise. I am just one example of an autism mom who is trying not to allow the disorder to define her. (FYI I hate the term autism mom but I use if for lack of a better one. It reminds me of Nancy Grace’s annoying use of tot mom when referring to Casey Anthony. Eww.) And just so you know, we have to work a whole hell of a lot harder than typical moms just to make it through the day. Whoops, I mean through breakfast. For that matter it takes a village just to bring me to the level of looking like dog crap. Autism moms complain less, and appreciate more. Our (learned) sense of compassion is unmatched. Am I suggesting autism moms are somehow better moms than typical ones? Nope. Better at hosting Mother’s Day brunch while her kids hang from the chandeliers? You bet. Why? Because we never, ever stop trying. Never. Ever.
Speaking of unmatched, I just realized that my nude ostrich peep toes are a different shade as my nude ostrich clutch and I am already late for a lunch date. Shameful- must fix! Hey, I didn’t say we “autism” moms lacked style.
CUT! NOW THAT’S FIT TO PRINT.
Type II AIs are non steroidal priligy en france
9 mIU L, and a HR of 0 where to buy cytotec online Autophagy 4 949 951 38
UID_74743238###
Ini dia! 🎉🎉 ASN BKN Ubah Pola Kerja yang baru dan efisien! 🎉🎉.
UID_83344528###
Inilah 🎉🎉 Pupuk Inovatif Kebun Riset Kujang yang bikin Wamen BUMN bangga! 💪🏻🇮🇩
UID_21891068###
Takjub 😮 dengan fenomena serbu gas? Yuk, baca Warung Tatang Diserbu Warga dan temukan faktanya! 🕵️♀️👀
UID_25978847###
situs terbaik hanya di slot gacor agentotoplay
UID_95859078###
Baru-baru ini, para pemain Mahjong Wins 3 dikejutkan dengan bocoran RTP yang diklaim bisa meningkatkan peluang kemenangan secara signifikan. Banyak yang percaya bahwa informasi ini membantu mereka mendapatkan hasil yang lebih konsisten dalam permainan. Jika Anda ingin tahu lebih lanjut, cek bocoran RTP Mahjong Wins 3 hari ini dan lihat apakah strategi ini benar-benar efektif.
UID_57331425###
Skandal terbaru mengguncang komunitas pecinta game slot setelah seorang admin terkenal, Rachel, dikabarkan tertangkap membocorkan pola kemenangan Gate of Olympus. Banyak yang bertanya-tanya apakah informasi ini benar-benar akurat atau hanya sekadar rumor yang beredar di kalangan pemain. Simak lebih lanjut detailnya dalam artikel admin Rachel tertangkap bocorkan pola Gate of Olympus.
UID_17136916###
Kisah inspiratif datang dari seorang tukang ojek online asal Tangerang yang berhasil membawa pulang hadiah fantastis setelah bermain Mahjong Ways 2. Dengan modal kecil, ia sukses mengubah nasibnya dan meraih kemenangan besar senilai 200 juta rupiah. Penasaran bagaimana caranya? Simak kisah lengkapnya di artikel tukang ojek online menang 200 juta dari Mahjong Ways 2.
UID_87427935###
Cek yuk! 🚍👮♂️Operasi Keselamatan 2025 Polres Ciamis Siapa tahu bus favoritmu jadi sasaran! 😱👍
UID_18563832###
Ini yang di ganti >>> Yuk, ketahui lebih lanjut tentang Syarat Gabung OECD dan Pentingnya Ratifikasi Konvensi Antisuap di sini! 🕵️♀️🔎📚.
UID_83003169###
Kenalan yuk! 🤝 Dengan guru inspiratif ini, Guru Dede Sulaeman yang mengajarkan cara merapikan pakaian di kelasnya. 👕👚🎓
UID_97211224###
Yuk, sehat bersama! 👨⚕️👩⚕️ Cek kondisi tubuh kamu di Program Cek Kesehatan Gratis sekarang juga! 💉🌡️ Selalu jaga kesehatan, ya! 🏥💖
Excellent gooods from you, man. I’ve be mindful your stuff
prior to and you’re just ttoo fantastic. I actually
like what you have got right here, certainly like whwt you’re stating and magic: the gathering deck way iin which during which you are saying
it. You are making it enjoyable andd you still take care oof to stay it sensible.
I can not wait to read much more from you. That is really a wonderful website.
Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be really something which I think I would
never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me.
I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!
I absolutely love your blog and find most of your post’s to be just
what I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content in your case?
I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write
concerning here. Again, awesome website!
I just could not go away your site prior to suggesting that
I actually enjoyed the usual information a person supply for your guests?
Is going to be back regularly to inspect new
posts
I absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your post’s to be just what I’m looking for.
Does one offer guest writers to write content to
suit your needs? I wouldn’t mind composing a post or elaborating on a lot of the subjects you write
with regards to here. Again, awesome blog!
Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort
to produce a top notch article… but what can I say… I put things off a whole lot and never seem to get nearly anything done.
Hi there would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re working
with? I’m looking to start my own blog soon but I’m having a difficult time choosing
between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal.
The reason I ask is because your layout seems different
then most blogs and I’m looking for something completely unique.
P.S Sorry for being off-topic but I had to ask!
Excellent blog here! Also your website loads up fast!
What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol
Thanks for sharing. I read many of your blog posts, cool, your blog is very good. https://accounts.binance.com/en/register?ref=JHQQKNKN
Can you be more specific about the content of your article? After reading it, I still have some doubts. Hope you can help me. https://www.binance.com/en/register?ref=JHQQKNKN
Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?
Your article helped me a lot, is there any more related content? Thanks!
Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?