If you know me, you’re aware that my main news sources consist of Access Hollywood Live, The Hollywood Medium’s Tyler Henry, and someecards.com. This way, I’m constantly on the pulse of how the other half lives, dies, and has worse Mondays than me. It’s a great escape from the reality of being a bad autism mom. Another wonderful distraction involves texting friends a few (or 9,500) times a day to report things I’ve gleaned from said media outlets. Or to broadcast other vitally important tidbits such as the hot school cop just made eye contact with me, beat that. ???? ???? ????
People in my circles rely on me, heavily, to keep them in the know. You have an actual job to concentrate on? Nonsense! Dr. Pimple Popper has just posted to YouTube ???????????? and by the way, you’re welcome for the head’s up (no pun intended; that would be gross). When I’m not offering this public service of unsolicited texting, I provide my gal pals with constant, life affirming pick-me-ups. What girl wouldn’t feel better about her own crap after I’ve chronicled my current trip to Target with J.R. via group text?:
J.R. just asked the checkout girl how many licks she thought it would take to get to her center. We may be going to Target jail ???????? ???? ????
Laugh at me, or laugh with me- it’s all good. Or should I say everything was ????y until I realized I had been committing a major texting faux pas. Yes, you heard it here first. Trolling the crucial someecards.com newsfeed, I discovered an article that revealed some startling facts. The girl who will instantly block you for applying would of or your the best to a text is FAILING at EMOJI usage. The horror! I’ve been miscommunicating the details of my glamorous life for ages now, projecting ???? when I really am ????! Confused? Thank you! Below you’ll find a handy guide to what some of my favorite emojis really mean, and how royally I’ve been bastardizing them. I am trying to avoid you from making the same mistakes I’ve been making, because that’s what ???? are for. Oh gosh, did I just say lesbians?
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Wait, this isn’t the symbol better known by autism moms as meaning Lord God Help Me?
And if I must start using it correctly, will I get a replacement for Lord God Help Me or am I going to have to keep using ???? ?????
Before: Please, PLEASE God don’t let J.R. notice cheese was accidentally put on, then quickly scraped off of his hamburger. ????
Reluctant Revision: Thank you for brushing your teeth this month, J.R. We’ll try again next month as well. ????
Okay I get it now. The emoji means nailed it but I’ll be honest: autism moms are much more reliant on having to express I want to knock that person out than hooray for me. Let’s face it, our victories are few and far between- unless of course they involve actually knocking someone out.
Before: J.R.’s teacher grades his papers with red pen and conveniently experiences diarrhea of red pen while doing so. ???? ✍????
Reluctant Revision: For the first time this week, my son didn’t greet me in the morning with “I hate your face.” ???? ????
Information Desk Person Serves it Up
I cannot tell a lie, but up until today I was completely unaware of IDP. She is #winning. Didyouknowfacts.com describes her as a girl “serving someone an invisible plate of STFU,” and I don’t know how I’ve lived this long without her sass. Let me take a stab at this:
Thanks to my son’s latest obsession with reclining theater seats, summer movies = my naptime. That’s mommy 1, autism 0. ???? ???? ????
I’m totally blaming my aging eyes on this one. I would have sworn this emoji represented Face With Look of Fu Manchu. Don’t act like you’re not with me.
Before: Please tell me Tae Kwon Do is cancelled today due to, um…autism? ????????
Reluctant Revision: Today my son showered without screaming “Again?! We have to do this EVERY day?!” ????????
I know; I know: there’s a huge learning curve here and what autism mom has time for studying? If it were up to me, and I had the back(ing) of a Kim Kardashian, I’d create my own set of autismojis. Spectrumojis? Ok, neither term works but just to let you know, I would fully intend on becoming filthy rich from this. Countless autism moms are struggling to let off some steam by texting, but without a clear, proper, singular image this is close to impossible. And tragic. How else will moms like me convey run for cover, my child’s ipad battery is critically low? ☠ ???? ???? ???? ???? ???? just doesn’t cut the mustard. We have our hands full over here, people! Not to mention our texting devices are usually in the hands of our children.
Until I can get things sorted out, please educate yourself. It’s a basic right that all moms are able to freely express exactly how they feel, in the fewest clicks possible. I will continue my quest to entertain, enlighten, and uplift my friends no matter how difficult today’s methods of information dishing have become. Right after I finish this huge, tasty bowl of
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Kristi Vannatta is a mom to two boys, ages nine and twelve. Her blog, Write On!, focuses on her life with her twelve-year-old son who has autism. In her infinite spare time (ha!) she runs Puzzle Peace Now, a charity that raises money to send children with autism to summer camp.